YAISHWARYAJ: {Awareness} Crucial Conversations

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Patterson, Grenny, McMillan Switzler 2002

Notes compiled by Jim Force Enterprises Inc.

Revise by: Salman Laasi

Crucial Conversation

is a discussion where opinions vary and emotions run strong. When we face crucial conversation, we:

- Avoid them. (Often)

- Face them and handle them poorly. (Often)

- Face them and handle them well (Seldom)

When conversations turn from routine to crucial, we're often in trouble because emotions don't prepare us to converse effectively. We are under pressure and act in self-defeating ways. The strategies we choose for dealing with crucial conversations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actually want.

The Power of Dialogue

People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings and articulate their theories. To put a label on this talent; it's called dialogue. When people feel comfortable speaking up, meaning flow freely and the shared pool of information can dramatically increase the ability to make better decisions.

Stay Focused on What You Really Want

Focus on what you really want. What is your goal? Then refocus your brain. What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the resulting relationship? There are common, but not all that healthy for dialogue, objectives including wanting to win, seeking revenge, and hoping to remain safe.

Wanting to win is the dialogue killer. We start out with the goal of resolving a problem, but as soon as someone raises a red flag of challenges or corrects us, we correct the facts and point out flaws in the other person's arguments. As they push back, it's no longer about having dialogue, but a switch in our goal to winning.

As our anger increases, sometimes we move from wanting to win to the point of wanting to harm the other person i-e seeking revenge.

Hoping to remain safe does not add to the pool of meaning as we can go to silence. Because we're so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict, we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation. We choose (at least in our minds) peace over conflict.

If you spot real safety risks as they happen in conversation, you can step out of that conversation, build safety, and then find a way to dialogue about almost anything.

Safety Is at Risk

When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. Silence and Violence – occurs when people don't feel safe.

Silence consists of any act to purposely withhold information to avoid potential problems. Three commons forms:

- Masking – understating or selectively showing our opinions, e.g. sarcasm and sugarcoating.

- Avoiding – steering completely away from the sensitive subject.

- Withdrawing – pulling out of the conversation altogether.

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince or compel others to your point of view. Three common forms:

- Controlling – it's done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation.

- Labeling – putting a label on people (idiot) or ideas (stupid) so we can dismiss them outright.

- Attacking – you've moved from winning the argument to making those who disagree suffer.

To break from this insidious cycle, learn to for the moment a conversation turns crucial. Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence. Look for outbreaks of your Style under Stress.

Conditions of Safety

Crucial conversations often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that the painful and pointed content means that you have a malicious intent. How can they feel safe when they believe you're out to do them harm?

The best idea is to make people perceive that we are working toward common outcome in the conversation; we care about their goals, interests and values. This condition is called Mutual Purpose.

Another condition is to make people believe that you respect them, their values and interests. This is called Mutual Respect

Respect for crucial conversation purposes people you don't respect

We can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person's basic humanity. In essence, feelings of disrespect often occur when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing behavior, we can try to sympathize or even empathize with them.

Summary – Make It Safe

- Mutual purpose -- to others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?

- Mutual respect -- to others believe you respect them?

- When you clearly violated respect, apologize.

- When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use contrasting. Start with what you don't intend or mean and then explain what you do intend or mean.

- When you are at cross purposes, use four skills to get back to mutual purpose:

- Commit to seek mutual purpose, recognize the purpose behind the strategy, invent a mutual purpose and brainstorm new strategies.

How to stay in dialogue when you are angry, scared, or hurt. How many times have you heard someone say, "he made me so mad or she made me so mad"? No matter how comfortable it might make you feel by saying it, others don't make you mad. You make you mad you and only you create your emotions. Once you've created your emotions, you have only two options: you can act on them or be acted on by them.

Regards
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Salman Laasi
Karachi, Pakistan
Email: salmanlassi@gmail.com